Letters
by Winkiexx
Summary: I'm not dumb, or stupid, yes I'm not the smartest person you'll ever meet, but I'm not dumb. I know what will happen in this trial. I know my fate. I've accepted it. This forfills my promise, this will kill all the titans. This will set me free. Character Death Eren/Levi


I'm not dumb, or stupid, yes I'm not the smartest person you'll ever meet, but I'm not dumb. I know what will happen in this trial. I know my fate. I've accepted it. This forfills my promise, this will kill all the titans. This will set me free.

I didn't tell anyone about this. When I realised that no one else knew, and what that meant, I kept it quiet. If I told them, they'd stop it. In the years of the war you grew close to anyone who survived long enough for you to know their name, which wasn't many. Those people who survive, you keep them alive, I've done the same for them, I would do the same for them. That's why I haven't.

I don't want to live. I want to keep my promise. There's nothing left anyway. There are all of these people around me, my small family, but eventually they will see the monster within me. I learned how to hide it over the years, I keep the mask up, acting like I've hardly changed. I act rash and angry and obvious, it's more trustworthy than a smart mask, people don't question an idiot. That's why I've been able to hide this from them, my titan.

I am ready to die, I want to get it over with already. I've known it was coming since that first court date. I knew that I'd never see the world, I'd never see the sea, I'd never see the end of the war. It was made even clearer throughout the war, if anything I should have died earlier. I spent a lot of time in my cell thinking about when I should have died, should Christa have eaten me, should Levi have killed me, should my parent have given birth to me? My parents should have given birth to me, then I could save Misaka from those men. Levi shouldn't have killed me, because I wouldn't have been able to save those that I did. So that leaves Christa, if she had been able to eat me, then everything would be better.

However that didn't happen. I lived, I killed, I survived, and I saved people.

And now it's over.

The verdict was in, and I'm dead in three months. It will be private, if anyone asks I'll have moved away from civilisation where I couldn't accidently hurt someone. But really I'll be dead, and everyone will be safe from the monsters known as titans.

So as the court empties, and I'm left standing there, smiling.

* * *

I'm still smiling as my family get their rewards.

They deserve them. Levi, Humanity's Strongest; Mikasa, Humanity's Bravest; Armin Humanity's Smartest; Erwin, Humanity's Hero; even Hanji, who died years ago during an experiment, becoming Humanity's Madness. They're knights now, with money and time and peace, with life.

They will live long. I know that they'll be sad for a while, we're family and family mourn each other, but they'll understand too. They'll find happiness and love within the safety of this new age, I know they will.

Sometimes … I wish that I could join them.

Now it's my turn, I smile as I walk onto the stage and the crowd is silent. I smile as I am officially pardoned, I'm not given money or a title or life, I'm given an empty home that I'll never see, and I keep my name. I will die as Humanity's Hope.

* * *

Who needs hope now peace is here?

Levi follows me out after the ceremony. He holds my hand as we stand in the garden, it reminds me of our first night. We were heading out an impossible mission, I could heal and Levi couldn't, he was scared so I told him my feelings. When he told me his it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I wanted to wait, give him something to live for, make sure that he'd live and I thought that my body would be enough. He smiled, the most amazing smile, and said that I didn't have to worry, he'd always stay alive for me, he would live his life, for me.

I can remember so much of that night, the cold wind and Levi's warm hands on my skin, but I know that I've also forgotten much of it, but those words have never left me.

"_Promise me, you'll live though this, then I'll do it. We'll both live though this whole stupid war until the titans are gone. Then we'll be together, only then."_

"_Eren, I love you. I love you. I will always, always stay alive for you. I will fight to be with you. Not just your body, all of you. I love it all. But I can't promise that, because when all the titans are dead, we both will be too. That's why I'm not waiting. I'm will love you right now, until forever. Please let me."_

It think that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard, especially from Levi. It took long time for us both to work up the courage to love each other, and even now, after all this time, it still scares both us to be romantic, because it usually accompanied the possibility of death. That's why we never promise each other anything, we never go on dates or even give each other gifts. That's probably why that confession is so perfect, because it came with his life, even though we both thought that we would die.

Here we are again, outside, alone, preparing to die. How nostalgic.

"It's over."

I turn to look at him. In that moment I feel the urge to tell him. I tell him that I'll be dead in two months and beg him to help me, to run off into the sunset and live with our family in this new world, to find happiness and see the sea and EVERYTHING I'd never want to do. But I don't, I smile and reply, "I love you, ex-Corporal Levi."

* * *

Misaka is smiling, the scarf's gone now, and she's never looked more beautiful. We lost the scarf in one of our many battles, all that we left was a small piece of cloth which Armin turned into a pair of bracelets, one of both of them.

They no longer need me. In the beginning I was their protector, even before the wall fell it was my job. In those first months after the fall I was the one who worked, Armin looked after his grandfather and Misaka protected them from the world. I worked to get us food, legality didn't matter. I already knew the truth of the world so it was easy for me to do what was necessary, no matter what it was.

When we joined the army they started to change, they became so strong and protected each other, and just like before I remained at the side lines, keeping them happy. As time moved on I was needed less, and it made me so happy. They tried to help me too, but mainly they left it to Levi and Erwin, understanding their positions and doing what they could. When I told them about Levi they changed again, knowing that now there's always be someone there for me they felt safe focussing on each other.

Now here we are. Misaka's in white and Armin's in green, the red bracelets are still around their wrists. They have each other, they'll help each other, I can leave them. They'll have kids and grandkids and live to be old a grey together, they'll by happy. Misaka rolls Armin down the aisle, he hurt his spine over a year ago but hasn't stopped him yet. They'll keep going, out of the door into a car and onwards with their lives.

Tears are stinging my eyes and Levi wraps a hand around my waist, once again I feel the urge to live, and once again I ignore it. I have to do what's necessary, just like before.

* * *

Three weeks. In three weeks I'll never be able to see Levi sleep again.

I'll never be able to watch as his silver eyes move behind his eyelids as he dreams with black hair half covering his face, looking peaceful and happy and beautiful.

I've been thinking lately … about death surprisingly. I'm not scared. It makes sense, for humanity to be safe all the titans must die, and I am a titan. This is my duty.

But that doesn't stop the questions.

Will it hurt?

Will it not?

Is there a heaven?

A hell?

Is there nothing?

Is reincarnation real?

Will I know what's happening?

Will I be able to see my family?

My mother?

My father?

Levi?

There are three weeks until my questions are answered, two weeks before my last days with my family, before they lock me up once more so I can't run. How long will it be before the sleeping man next to me knows the truth? He thinks I'm going to a house in the country, and that he'll be following me. It will hurt him to find out the truth, but if I tell him it now … he'd try to stop me. He'd try to save me, and that can't happen. I won't make him feel guilt over my death, he will anyway, but if I tell him now and he has to watch me die after trying and failing … I will never hurt him that way.

I've been trying to write a letter to him, and Armin and Misaka too, even Erwin, to explain why I'm doing this. It's hard. I haven't gotten far. I wish I knew the words that would stop the pain.

Tears sting my eyes again, water drops onto my love's face before I can stop it and he wakes up instantly. He holds me close to him as I cry, he thinks I had a nightmare so I play along. I don't want to think, so I kiss him. I hold him and caress him and watch his beautiful face in the moonlight.

I want the pain to stop and for a few glorious minutes, it almost does.

* * *

It's my last day with my family. We're out in the woods, sitting up in a tree eating a picnic. They didn't understand why I wanted to be outside, I'll be in the mountains soon so why'd I need to see the woods? But they don't question me. It's the last time we'll see each other for five months while everything is set up after all.

For once tears aren't threatening to fall, I'm genuinely smiling and laughing along with them. Levi calls me a brat and Mikasa fusses over Armin, Erwin starts annoying Levi as I start a half-assed fight with Jean. This is our family. This is our joy. This is my love.

All too soon it's over and I'm saying goodbye. Two months of thinking boils down to mere seconds. I hug Armin and Mikasa and make them promise to care for each other, I tell them I love them and say that they better make me a niece or nephew to spoil for when I next see them. I give my thanks to Erwin, and hug him too, I even hug Jean – after calling him horse-face and laughing as he tries to punch me. Finally it's just me and Levi.

"I love you Levi."

"Don't be so dramatic, brat."

"I love you Levi."

"Eren."

"I love you Levi."

"Nothing is going to happen in five months, we'll see each other again."

I pause then, the tears finally wanting to make an appearance, I want to tell him. But I can't, I made a promise, I won't break it now, even though it's the hardest thing I've ever done. "I love you Levi."

He looks at me, and for one second I think he might see through me.

"I love you too Eren."

He must have thought that this was the ingrained anxiety, but it's enough.

I smile as I'm lead away. As they leave my sight I'm still smiling. As I'm manacled to a cell I still smile. As the tears finally fall, I'm still smiling.

* * *

Four days to go and I've finished my letters, I've even convinced a guard to post them, they'll arrive next week. I'll be dead before then.

I'm sitting in front of the committee who choose my death, I have something to ask of them.

"You want us to what Jaeger?"

I look at the spot above the woman's head and speak clearly. "I request for my ashes to be given to my lover Sir Rivaille, if not him then my foster sister Lady Mikasa and her husband Sir Armin."

She glared at me, not a good sign. Luckily the man next to her seemed more understanding "It's a possibility Mr Jaeger, but why should we?" or so I thought.

Resisting the urge to sigh I turn my gaze to the spot above his head "As a reward for my co-operation." We all know that if I wasn't doing this voluntarily they'd never be able to do this, they'd never be able to kill me.

That's all I've been thinking about lately, in between writing my letters that it, why am I doing this?

I've been telling myself that it's my duty, but that seems so weak now compared to three months ago. I'm not suicidal, well I was once but Levi literally beat that out of me, so why am I killing myself?

I have everything to live for, my family, my lover, my future, why am I throwing it all away?

I hope I can find the answer before it's too late.

* * *

The stage is set up in one of the many underground rooms, just encase I try to run, but I won't.

I wish I would.

I wish I'd run as fast as I could, find Levi and keep going, live and make a future for the both of us to live in.

I won't though, because I am a titan. I must die for there to be peace. I AM A TITAN.

But I'm also human, that traitorous voice in my head reminds me.

Don't I want to live?

Don't I want to love?

Why shouldn't I run?

Shouldn't I want to scream, and cry, and beg, and just do anything but I'm just standing here waiting for a man to come a cut my head off and have my body burned and then they'll get the letters and they'll know and they'll get the ashes and cry or scream or run but I'll never know because I'll be dead and that is it.

What if there's no heaven or hell or anything and this is it.

What if there's nothing else?

The man's coming now, and it's not the first time that I wish that this wasn't my death. Levi should have done it, just like he promised, and I should stay alive, just like I did.

"Any last words?"

Can these not be them? I mean, what if this doesn't work? What if in a few years from now there's another war and right when they need me I'll be gone? What if something happens to Armin? Or Mikasa? What if something happens to Levi?

"I hope that this stops the pain."

My voice sounds dead, my body feels dead, my world feels dead, but my emotions are alive, and I'm alive and so's my world but not for much longer as I kneel down and bow my head and ignore the voice inside of me which is screaming for me to stop.

I don't want to die.

I have to.

Oh no.

Please.

I do-

* * *

_Levi, _

_You must be wandering what the hell this letter is doing in your hands when I'm supposed to be traveling huh?_

_I'm sorry Levi. I'm so sorry, I wanted to be the one to tell you. If I was sticking to the plan you'd be finding this out five months from now, but I have to be the one to tell you._

_I'm so sorry Levi. _

_I'm dead. _

_I'm so sorry. _

_I am a titan Levi. I had to do this. All the titans had to die, it was the only way to be safe. If I had told you, you would have tried to save me and if you'd failed it would have hurt you, because I've chosen to die. So I choose not to. _

_I do not want to die Levi, this is not a suicide. I want to live a life with you. I love you so much but it couldn't of happen. _

_I told you remember, this war will only end when all of the titans are dead. _

_My time with you has been so perfect. It has given me so much happiness to be loved by you and to love you and wish I had the words to make this right, but I don't. _

_I don't care that I don't have the right to ask this of you because I am and will._

_Move on from me Levi._

_Never forget me, cause I swear I will haunt you and fuck your life up if you do, but move on. There is someone out there who will bring you the same happiness that I felt being with you. They will love you, and care for you, and make you smile that amazing smile of yours._

_Just wait for them, ok?_

_Just be happy for me, please Levi. _

_I love you, and I hope that one day you will forgive me for this._

_Eren_

* * *

_Three years._

_It still hurts. _

_Armin told me to write a letter to you, to see if it would help. _

_He's done the same, so has Mikasa. They were too busy looking after me to mourn, I'm sorry for that. They have two children now, little Eren and Jana, they're beautiful. You'd have loved them, I know you would have. _

_For three years I've been trying to figure out what you wanted. What you would have done. Who you would have been. _

_In the beginning it was … indescribable. I understand why you did it, I really do, but it didn't stop the pain. I wanted to join you. But you told me to live, and I've never been able to say no to you. _

_I also understand why you never told me, you're right, it would have hurt more, if that's even possible. But it didn't stop the guilt. Why didn't I notice? When did I stop being able to read you? Why was I so naïve? _

_Why wasn't I good enough? _

_It's been three years of that. _

_You'd punch me and tell me to man up._

_So I am. _

_I'm not going to worry you or Armin or Misaka or Erwin or Jean anymore. _

_I'm going to find my happiness. _

_You said that there'd be someone out there for me to live the rest of my life with, and although I don't want to believe it, you could be right._

_I think I might find them if I look._

_So I will._

_I'm going to burn this letter and give it to the sea, just like I gave you. _

_And then I'm going to find it._

_You know, the sea's always looked grey to me, but now it looks green._

_I know, that you'll always be in my heart._

_I will always love you Eren, so I won't say goodbye, because it never suited us._

_See you later my Shitty Brat._

_Levi. _


End file.
